All of us who stutter have had this happen, as kids and teens, and into adulthood. I know – it has happened to me more as an adult than as a kid!

Why? Because I am more open with my stuttering now as an adult. When we stutter openly, we can feel vulnerable and exposed.  We feel particularly vulnerable when we encounter someone unfamiliar with stuttering and their first reaction is to laugh at us.

It hurts when that happens! I used to get really upset and feel my eyes fill up with tears, and struggle to compose myself until I was done with whatever I was doing and then I would practically run out to my car. And cry! Tears of embarrassment and anger!

Anger at having been laughed at for something I can’t help. But also anger at my own inability to say anything. My shame would paralyze me to the point that I just froze and couldn’t say anything.

It still happens! I get laughed at or mocked occasionally. It hurts! Sometimes my eyes fill up right away, because it stings. And then I get mad at myself for letting those tears well up.

But one thing has changed. Now I am confident and comfortable most of the time (notice I say “most”) to say something when someone laughs or mocks my stuttering. I usually say something like, “just so you know, I stutter. I am OK with that, but I am not OK with someone laughing or making fun of me. It hurts my feelings.”

People are usually surprised when I say that. Some get embarrassed and apologize profusely. Some turn red and don’t say anything. Some say, “oh, you do not.” Or, “I stutter sometimes too.”

I do not address someone who laughs at me because I want them to feel bad or embarrassed. I do it for ME! That’s right, ME!

I don’t deserve to be laughed at or mocked just because I stutter or sometimes have a long pause when a word gets stuck. No one does.

Not everyone is in the place on their journey where they feel comfortable addressing someone who laughs at stuttering. It takes courage. It involves taking a risk. Not only have we stuttered, but then we are going to call more attention to it.

Laughing is good for the soul. We all need to laugh – at things that are funny, not hurtful.

And we need to laugh at ourselves once in a while too, meaning not take our self too seriously. I still have to work on that. I have to work every day at believing that I deserve to be treated and listened to with respect. That starts within.

We should always be laughing with someone, not at someone’s expense.

What are your thoughts?

Episode 4 of this occasional series with men who stutter features my good friend Joseph Diaz, who hails from Dallas, Texas. Joseph and I met at my first NSA conference in 2006, which was in Long Beach, CA. We have been fast friends since.

Joseph is a long time member of the National Stuttering Association (NSA). He has held many leadership positions with the NSA, including being a long time board member.

Joesph started stuttering rather late. His stuttering didn’t make an appearance until he was a junior in high school.

Joseph shares his long journey with stuttering. He talks about the times when stuttering consumed his life, avoidance behaviors and negative self-talk. He also talks about his “rock bottom” and how he turned the corner.

Joseph honestly shares about what it was like socializing, making friends and dating. We also talk about acceptance, and how that conscious decision to accept himself as a person who stutters shaped his life.

Joseph also shares his career path, and his very active involvement with Toastmasters.

We hope you listen in! Feel free to leave comments or questions for Joseph, or just thank him for sharing and doing such a good job!

Music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.

We had originally planned to meet at a coffee shop, but we changed up because it was so COLD the day we met and it was easier for my friend to just cross the street.

A tavern meant we could grab a beer together instead of just coffee.

When our waitress came over to take our orders, I stuttered on what I wanted, and she filled in the word for me. No biggie.

My friend blocked and stuttered, and she proceeded to finish the word for him as well. When they were done speaking, I piped up, “Hey,just want you to know, we both stutter, so you may hear a bit of that while we are here today.”

She responded back quickly, “Oh, so what would you prefer? Should I finish the words for you or would you rather I just patiently listen?”

I said I prefer that she be patient and allow me to say my own words, and then I said, “but I can’t speak for my friend. (Looking at him, I asked him) what do you prefer?”

He said, “the same thing, please patiently listen for me to finish my own words.”

I was so impressed with this little 45 second exchange. This waitress showed a respect, tolerance and understanding for difference that we often don’t see.

By bringing it out in the open the way I did (I hope I didn’t embarrass my friend!) we clearly advertised and educated.

And to me anyway, we got the by-product of a greater sense of permission to stutter away. Both of us seemed to stutter more freely for the remainder of our visit there. (Or maybe it was the alcohol. I’m not telling!)

What do you think?

Episode 79 features Jacquelyn Revere, 25, who hails from Los Angeles, CA. She is presently in NYC attending the The New School for Drama, and is in her last semester. She is getting her Master’s degree in Acting.

Jacquelyn has loved drama and acting from a young age. She stopped acting in high school though, thinking it wasn’t realistic. She switched her interest to entertainment law, where she interned with Johnnie Cochran (yes, O.J. Simpson’s lawyer!)

Her internship taught her that she did not want to be a lawyer! She changed her major to theater in her junior year of college, giving in to her heart’s passion.

Jacquelyn and I met one night through the Stutter Social Google hangout, then became Facebook friends, which led to this chat!

Jacquelyn discusses her speech therapy experiences – school based, which was not helpful and her experience with intensive therapy at the Hollins Institute.

Jacquelyn now works with a private therapist, Lee Caggiano, who is also the Director and co-founder of FRIENDS. Jacquelyn works on the mental aspects of stuttering, particularly shame.

I had no idea that Jacquelyn works with Lee, as I have been involved with FRIENDS and edit their newsletter, since 2008. What a small world! Jacquelyn found Lee through Taro Alexander, of  Our Time, of which I am also familiar!

Jacquelyn discusses challenges and opportunities, advertising, stress, stuttering while acting and pity parties!

This was a great conversation with a confident, courageous young woman whom we will see on stage one day. Feel free to comment or ask questions. Feedback is a gift.

Music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.

Don’t ask how it started, but she has become friends with several people and was “added” to a forum by a member.

Some people might have a problem with a non-stutterer being a member of such a group. Personally, I think it’s a great idea that anyone interested in learning more about stuttering  be “allowed” to engage and participate in group discussions.

My sister mentioned that she has chatted quite a bit with one person, including chatting over the phone a few times. This woman who stutters has mentioned to my sister that the group has been a great source of support for her.

Many of the group members have talked her through various confidence issues and encouraged her to take chances with speaking that she previously never would.

My sister mentioned that when they have talked over the phone, this woman sounds great and that her stutter is very mild, saying, “it’s like yours, Pam.”

My sister also went on to say that she doesn’t really understand why then this person would seem so overly concerned about talking and taking chances publicly.

I reminded my sister that there is a huge amount of shame involved in stuttering and that’s why these stuttering forums are so popular and successful with people who stutter. If you look at some of the forums, it is not uncommon to see 50 or 60 responses to questions or posts by members.

Why? Because it is infinitely easier to express ourselves in writing, behind the relative safety of a computer screen, than it is to have real-time conversations over the phone, Skype or in-person. My sister said “no, that can’t be true. Look how much back and forth there is. Look how much this woman has been helped.”

I said, “yes, but it is all through writing. It is much safer to express our self in writing. We don’t stutter then. It becomes the safety net for the huge amount of shame that a lot of people who stutter still deal with.”

My sister just looked at me and said, “I never thought of that. That makes sense. Wow, you’re probably right.”

What do you think? Do you think online stuttering groups or forums become a safety net for some people, a way to not have to talk?

Episode 78 features Fianna Peppers, 27 years old, who hails from Tulsa, Oklahoma. Fianna currently works in a Bank of America call center, something that she never thought she would be able to do because of her stuttering!

Fianna describes herself as a master of word substitution. She has been doing that for over 25 years. She blocks quite a bit as well.

We talk about the huge role that shame plays in the lives of people that stutter. Fianna shares that as a kid, she was made fun of a lot. She relates a recent incident where a co-worker made fun of and mimicked her stuttering.

Fianna and I met in the on-line Facebook stuttering group Stuttering Arena, which boasts over 900 members. She brainstorms frequently with group members and has talked with a few over the phone.

We also discuss acceptance, therapy experiences and feelings. At one point, Fianna gets emotionally choked up as she gets really honest about much shame has gripped her. This is a jam-packed conversation that covers a lot of ground and a range of emotions.

We also discuss how tiring and draining it is to stutter – it is physically and emotionally exhausting to constantly switch words!

Kudos to Fianna for sharing and being so honest. Please feel free to leave comments or just let Fianna know how well she did. Remember, feedback is a gift!

Credit for the music used in today’s episode goes to ccMixter.

She is told by her supervisor that the new manager would be brought in from another department.

When the worker asks why, she is told, ”we know you work well with the other typists. They know about your stutering problem. But this is for a manager position. What about the communica­tion skills?”

She is further told, “We simply wouldn’t be doing you a favor by promoting you into a job you couldn’t handle.”

Couldn’t handle? I stutter and speak publicly in my job every day! To managers, communications specialists, teachers, administrators.

Read the full article here. There is some brief discussion on the American’s With Disability Act (ADA.) What do you think? Is this for real, or as friend Burt suggests, written as a parody?

It seems Devayan’s older brother has not been around too much stuttering, other than his brother’s, so Devayan thought it would be a good idea if he met me. As he put it, then his brother would be exposed to some good, confident stuttering.

That made me laugh when we discussed it over Skype this past weekend. We were chatting about Devayan’s pending move from Mumbai, India, to New York, USA. He had lots of questions, including how cold is it here, where could he find some inexpensive pots and pans, and does the local grocery store sell good chicken and eggs?

During our conversation, Devayan had several very good stuttering moments! It seems excitement and stress increases his stuttering, just like it does for most of us. (I had been under the impression that Indians who stutter don’t get stressed! Only kidding!)

So when he asked if I could meet them on Sunday for coffee before his brother returns home, I smiled and laughed. Devayan considers my stuttering to be of the good and confident type.

It struck me how great it was that we were able to have this conversation about stuttering – him telling me mine is confident and me telling him that he had some “great stutters.”

It also made me ask myself: “what is confident stuttering?” And it made me think he is well en route to becoming a good future speech therapist!

Confident stuttering is natural and open, staying with the block or repetition, making eye contact and smiling during the stuttering moments. I will be the first to admit that I don’t always do this, but I strive to anyway!

Maybe your definition is different! What do you think? How do you define “good confident stuttering?”

P.S. Devayan arrives in New York this weekend, and I am confident that we will both be cold and stutter well when we finally meet in person!

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 54,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 20 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Episode 77  features Lotte Klene, who is 28 years old and hails from Rotterdam, The Netherlands. Lotte’s native language is Dutch and throughout our conversation, it is clear that Lotte is more fluent in Dutch than English.

Luckily, we have a translator available to help us! Early in to our conversation, we hear Lotte ask her boyfriend Jeroen to translate for her. Later in the conversation, I ask Jeroen to introduce himself and we chat a bit.

Jeroen Vuijk works for the local government in Rotterdam, and gives us a great perspective of what it’s like to date a woman who stutters.

Lotte talks about what it’s like to stutter in The Netherlands and how its perceived. We talk about therapy, shame, negative reactions, acceptance, and being able to communicate freely and confidently. Lotte shares that her mother also stutters and how stuttering is normal in her family.

Lotte loves to speak and be socially involved. We talk about the Facebook group Stuttering Arena and how helpful it has been for her to connect with other people who stutter. We also discuss Lotte’s involvement with The Netherlands stuttering association and the European League of Stuttering Associations (ELSA.)

Feel free to leave comments for Lotte or Jeroen! They both did a great job, especially Jeroen for his translation. Remember, feedback is a gift.

Music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.

But it appears to almost be instinctual on some people’s part. Maybe it really does boil down to people just wanting to be helpful.

I saw my niece the other day, for the first time in a while in person. We stay in touch via Facebook and texting, but that’s not the same of course.

We arranged to meet somewhere on Christmas Eve. I had some items to pass along to her. We only chatted for a few minutes.

In that brief few minutes, I got stuck on a word and my niece filled it in for me, quickly. I hate when people do that, but I didn’t say anything. I hadn’t seen her in a while. Maybe she forgot I stutter! And I didn’t want to embarrass her by saying anything, because it happened within seconds.

But it still surprised me! That she did it, how I felt about it, and that I didn’t say anything, that I just let it pass.

Someone else supplied a word for me earlier this week at work as well. It was very casual, in passing, I don’t even remember who it was. But still it struck me. I was surprised that it happened again.

Are people really trying to help out when they fill in a word for us? Or do they feel so awkward with the stuttered moment that they feel they must say the word in order to keep the conversation flowing forward?

Episode 76 features Andrea Montes, who hails from Seattle, Washington. Andrea works in Redmond as a massage therapist. She always loved getting massages when she was younger, and became good at giving massages because she knew what she liked.

Andrea decided to become a massage therapist, both because of her love for it and because she thought she wouldn’t have to talk much. Not surprisingly, she learned otherwise!

Andrea only “came out” about her stuttering 7 or 8 months ago. She was covert, and worked hard at hiding stuttering at work, for fear of being judged or fired. She was terrified of being found out as a stutterer.

She talks about how it took so much energy to hide, that when she left work and returned to her safety zone, she was almost inaudible. Her blocks were severe after being near perfectly fluent at work.

Listen in as we also talk about quality of life, getting rid of the “fluency dream”, self esteem and anxiety. Andrea also talks about her experience with the McGuire Program, and how it helped her “come out of hiding.”

Andrea shares that she is still dealing with the shame of stuttering, which prompts a segment about how we manage shame and other people’s reactions. Andrea gets really honest about her fear of her “big blocks.”

I loved getting to know Andrea, and loved her gut honesty. Feel free to leave comments or ask questions, or just let Andrea know how great she did in sharing her story.

Credit for the music used in this episode goes to ccMixter.

Devayan learned about me after getting actively involved in the internet stuttering community. He started listening to StutterTalk and my own podcasts here and reading this blog.

Devayan connected with me by email in the fall, after realizing that I live in upstate New York, close to a college he was interested in attending. Devayan was hoping to come to the United States to pursue graduate studies in speech language pathology.

He asked my opinion on the graduate essays he was submitting to two colleges. He wanted my honest feedback. He got that, maybe even more than he bargained for!

Devayan didn’t mention in his first draft essay to The College of St Rose that he stuttered. I thought he should, as that would set him apart from other candidates. That and the fact that he is also a HE. Male SLP students are fairly rare.

So I suggested that Devayan rewrite his entire essay! He did, and soon after sending it in, he emailed me to let me know he had passed the first phase of admission. He would now be invited for a face-to-face interview.

We discussed that, and I suggested he ask if he could interview via Skype. It took a while for the college to confirm that a Skype interview would work. So in the interim, Devayan asked if we could chat via Skype. He wanted to pick my brain!

We coordinated the time zone difference and finally “met” over Skype, where we had a great conversation about what to anticipate in the graduate admission interview. Since that time, we have chatted via Skype a few times.

Soon after Devayan had his graduate student interview, he emailed me to let me know he was accepted. Then, in the course of just weeks, he satisfied his student visa interview and purchased his plane tickets to fly from Mumbai, India to Albany, New York, USA.

Devayan is scheduled to arrive here sometime in the first week of January 2012. We plan to meet in person soon after that, which to me is amazing and so meaningful.

It is amazing to think that one person can impact another in such a huge way that one is willing to make such a leap of faith and move half way across the world. It shows the power of connection, and what happens when we share our personal experiences honestly with another.

I don’t think either of us thought in September that we would be really planning to meet in person in January. But we are!

And the flurry of emails continues. I have given Devayan some ideas of what clothing to pack and buy for the cold Northeastern part of the USA, which is quite different from India. And he has asked me about joining Toastmasters here, as he joined a club recently in Mumbai, and wants to stay involved with that once here.

I am excited to introduce him to some of my friends here in New York, and get him involved in our monthly Chat & Chew social gathering of people who stutter.

This will be a huge change for my young friend from India. One that will change his life. And one that will likely change many lives when he eventually returns to India, armed with new tools and resources to help other people who stutter.

People who stutter can help other people who stutter, one person at a time, just by opening up, talking, sharing and connecting.

I look forward to adding more details to this story as it continues to unfold, and adding a picture of the two of us when we finally meet in person.

Episode 75 features Kelsey, who hails from Biggar, Saskatchewan, Canada. Kelsey is 22 years old and currently attends Trinity Western University in Langley, British Columbia. Kelsey plans to graduate in April 2012 with an undergraduate degree in Religious Studies, with a minor in Psychology.

Kelsey has always been fascinated with learning about people and understanding differences and similarities. She has just returned from a unique experience studying abroad for a full semester in the Middle East. She spent the majority of her time in Israel and Palestine, as well as two weeks in Turkey and Jordan.

We have a great discussion of life in the Middle East, how Western women are received, and how Turkey is the only secular Muslim state. I ask questions about the food, cultures and how visitors should dress.

We talk about advertising stuttering with different groups. Kelsey touched on how insecurities re-surfaced, especially while she was taking an Arabic language class. We talked about how women often feel inferior because of stuttering and often feel we need to compensate or prove our worth.

Kelsey has deep faith, and talks about how her faith has helped her accept her stuttering. Kelsey shares how she has always felt inspired by Moses, who is thought to have stuttered.

We also talk about Kelsey’s other interests. She is actively involved with wheelchair basketball, and talks about how enriching it is to be fully accepted as an able-bodied player in the wheelchair basketball culture. She has been involved in competitive league play for over a year.

Kelsey loves being welcomed into communities that she is not naturally part of. This was an incredibly fascinating conversation, that illustrates how you can ask personal questions about others after sharing experiences.

Be sure to listen in, and feel free to leave comments or questions for either of us. Remember feedback is a gift! Music used in this episode credited to ccMixter.

TED talks are global. If you have never heard of them, check them out. It’s a simple, yet profound idea. Get people who have something to say to say it. Like Lisa does here.

I met Lisa a little more than a year ago, after “stalking” her (her words!) and convincing her to meet me. We found out through email and social media that we live and work very close to each other.

Lisa has a severe stutter, and works in an industry where she helps other people find their voice. As we began to get to know each other, Lisa shared that she has never talked publicly like this. Until this year. Like NOW!

She spoke at a major industry conference in LA about a week before she did this talk. I think it’s safe to say Lisa has found her voice.

I am glad I stalked her and we have become friends. She inspires me. She has also been a guest on my podcast!